Making your marriage work (when the honeymoon is over)

The marriage relationship is intended to be one of the greatest blessings in life!  When all is well in your marriage you can be sure that this relationship will give you joy, offer you the love you need to grow, and sustain you through even the toughest of times!  However, when things go wrong in your relationship it can be one of the most painful and difficult experiences of life!

So, how do you make your marriage work when the honeymoon is over?

Some years ago when I was doing my doctoral research on the human brain I read numerous articles about how the human brain causes us to 'fall in love' in order to move us towards reproduction (remember the post some time ago about the three basic functions of human brains and survival?)  This system of the brain causes us to feel good when we're with the person we're in love with.  It also causes us to overlook (or not notice) negative qualities or irritations that may hinder our desire and capacity to add to the human species!  The most common chemicals in the brain that cause this condition are testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin. If you're interested you can read the wikipedia article here.

In short, the 'honeymoon' phase of a relationship will pass at some point and we will begin to notice certain elements of our partner's behaviour, character or appearance that will cause irritation and perhaps even cause us to dislike the person.

Life would be so much simpler if more of us chose to get married AFTER this neurobiological phase had passed!  But, alas, most of us tend to get married when we're in love.

So, how do you make your marraige work when the honeymoon is over?

In this episode of my radio program 'The ministry and me', recorded for Radio Pulpit, I discuss this challenge and offer some practical advice on making your marriage work when the honeymoon is over.  Thankfully I have an awesome wife!  She loves me in a deep and mature manner that is emotional, but much deeper than mere emotionalism.  After 17 years of marriage Megan and I have discovered (and rediscovered) the joy of love, friendship, fun, companionship and care.

I'd love to hear your feedback and input!

You can download the MP3 audio file here. (10mb - mp3).

Here's a link to a video I made some time ago about marriage.

Relationship advice - how to have a 'productive' argument!

This is quite a sensible post. I often say to couples that I preparing for marriage:

1. Don't be afraid of healthy conflict! Think about it, why do people 'fight'? It is usually because they love one another and something is stopping them from loving one another freely! So, they need to find a way to overcome that.

2. People who have no conflict whatsoever are either not honest with themselves, or their partner, or they are lying... We all disagree with our loved one's from time to time. Why? Because they're different from us! That's what attracted us to them in the first place!

So, here's some good advice for having a constructive (not a hurtful and destructive) disagreement. I hope it helps you, I sure pray that I'll remember these points next time Megie and I disagree! Maybe I'll print them out and laminate them to stick them on the fridge... Nope, she may just throw them at me! Ha ha!

Differences of opinion are normal and healthy in adult relationships and learning to compromise is a skill required in many areas of life. You might want to print out this page and pin it to your notice board to remind you both whenever a disagreement arises.

Before trying this exercise it's worth having a look at the Guidelines for exercises.

1. Stick to the issue in hand - don't bring up previous misdemeanors or other things you've been meaning to say.

2. Don't argue over trivia - for example, arguing whether it was Monday or Tuesday that you forgot the milk. The issue is you forgot, not which day it was.

3. Start sentences with "I" - for example, "I felt annoyed when you..." rather than "You annoyed me when..." And "I would like to go out more often," not "We should go out more often."

4. Don't use absolutes - never say "never", "always", "should" or "shouldn't". They're irritating and often inaccurate. For example, "You never wash up" will almost certainly get a response of "What about when...?"

5. Let your opinions stand on their own merits - don't be tempted to bring in other people's opinions.

6. Try to stay sitting down, relax your muscles and don't forget to breathe - it's much easier to stay calm if you're not pacing around the room.

7. Don't start throwing abuse around - calling your partner lazy, fat or paranoid isn't going to convince them to see your point of view.

8. Be aware of your feelings and tell your partner these as well - saying "I'm scared you don't love me anymore" is likely to get a better response than "You don't act like you love me."

9. Try not to block the conversation - don't interrupt, launch into a monologue or expect them to be a mind-reader.

10. Agree to a code word for time out - if one or both of you feels you're getting overheated it's best to take some time away from each other to calm down before going back to the disagreement.

Remember, who wins the argument is irrelevant if your relationship loses something. Always try to confront the issue - not each other.

Let me know if you have any other marriage tips!

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