'Back to the shopfloor' - seeing things from the other side.

There is a program called 'Back to the shopfloor' on BBC World that I have enjoyed watching from time to time. The central idea behind this 'reality TV' program is that they take managers, CEO's, business owners, and the like and place them back on the shopfloor for a week. Here they are expected to work as their employees would, facing the same challenges, lack of resources, pressures, and demands. The hope is that they will gain a new perspective on their business through this experience and so make changes that will suit the needs of their customers and better support their staff to meet those needs.

Making the arrangements for my father's funeral has been a 'back to the shopfloor' experience for me. I have experienced and seen things from an entirely different perspective. Of course, as a minister, I have done hundreds of funerals over the last 16 years. So, I know more or less what should be done and how it should be done.

Yesterday I went with my mom and sister to make the final arrangements for my father's service tomorrow. We met with the undertaker, and then later in the day met with the minister. Here are a few observations.

The undertaker.

This is a difficult process at best. Somehow it seems to have to deal with all of the most 'base' of issues. One has to talk about money (i.e., how much money do you have, do you have a policy, what kind of coffin do you want, how much do you want to spend on flowers, what quality of service sheet do you want etc.). One also has to do what is necessary to wrap up the legal matters, such as canceling the ID book of the deceased, arranging for the death certificate, deciding whether to have a burial or a cremation, and then deciding what to do with the remains.

The undertaker we met with did her best! It was the first working day of the new year and she had skeleton staff and 6 funerals to take care of that day. When we arrived at her offices we entered a stark room - it reminded me a lot of a government building. It was neat, but cold. We had to wait for about 40 minutes to see her as she finished with other families and dealt with a few administrative matters. While we sat in a row on old office chairs we looked directly at a wall that advertised various funeral plans, photographers, coffins, and burial services... It was quiet, except for the phone that rang constantly. Nobody offered us any refreshment. When we did get to meet with the undertaker she was clearly at her wits end. She did her best to remain calm, but her cellphone rang numerous times, people came into her office to collect things, and her office phone was also constantly interrupting our time together. My mom was heartbroken by the experience. Here are a few observations:

• Do your best to make the atmosphere welcoming and soothing (get some cheap comfortable furniture, place one or two pieces of affordable and inspirational artwork on the walls, play soft instrumental music to break the silence).
• Attend to the PEOPLE that come into the office. This is my great weakness! I also tend to focus more on tasks than people. But, at times such as these it would be great to A) Make appointments with people. That way you can control when they arrive and leave. You can create some 'buffer space' to return phone calls and do administration. And, when you have a family with you, you can give them your undivided attention. B) Offer some basic refreshment, such as a glass of water or a cup of tea. C) Take time to explain what you're doing, why you're doing it, and reassure the family by answering all their questions (even if you have had to do this all day for every family that comes in!)
• Be sure to appear calm, in control, and caring. I constantly had to repeat telephone numbers, write out the spelling of names, remind the person that I had already given this or that form to her, confirm times and arrangements (and at one point even asked her to make a note for herself, since she kept forgetting!) On the day of the funeral you don't want to arrive and find that the address the coffin has gone to is wrong, or that the flowers, or service booklets are missing. My suggestion is that such persons should have a clear 'tick list' that they should go through as they work with each family. And, perhaps also have separate little files or folders with each document they need pre-copied and kept in that file for use.

In short, I left the undertakers office feeling a little concerned. My mom was quite sad by the mechanical nature of the process, and clearly the surroundings were cold and unhelpful. We also felt a little worried about whether the arrangements will actually be made.

The meeting with the minister.

This was an entirely different experience. The minister that we met with was an older man who has been in pastoral ministry for many years. He was warm, affectionate, empathetic, calm, sure of what needed doing, not hurried, and generally pastoral.

We met in his office where we sat on comfortable chairs around a small coffee table. We did not sit across from his desk, with him behind it, and us on the other side. Rather the meeting felt like a conversation.

He had pre-designed forms on which the questions he would need to ask were printed with space to write the details. His manner was calm. He made us feel like we were the only important thing he had to do (even though, as we left we saw another family arrive for a wedding rehearsal and I spotted a note on the office board indicating that he had another funeral the next day).

He listened. He asked questions about my dad, our family, and did not try to give 'pat answers'. He started and concluded the meeting with short and meaningful prayers.

So, here are my observations for us clergy.

• Set an atmosphere of calm and openness. This can only be done if you are calm, clear about what needs to be done. This minister had also arranged his furniture and time to make our meeting conducive to a conversation. It was clear that he needed to get some information, but he was there for us, not like the undertaker where we seemed to be there for her.
• Make sure that you have a pastoral manner. We went to the minister knowing that he is a Christian and that he would offer us some comfort and care from within the Christian tradition. So, it was not out of place for him to say a prayer with us. In fact we would have been sad if that had not happened. He was also wise enough to avoid giving us 'trite' and simple answers to our pain. Rather he asked us questions that allowed us to talk about how we were feeling, why we felt that way, and then prayed about those struggles, asking God to strengthen and help us (rather than giving us a few verses to go and read and saying 'this should fix you up!')
• He was affirming and 'available'. I know what it feels like to have many demands and not enough time or energy to meet them. But, he assured us that he would pray for us, that the service would go off just fine. One idea that may be good here is to briefly tell the family about 'care options' after the service is done (i.e., if you have a group of visitors, bereavement support groups, and a group that sends out a message on the anniversary of the funeral etc. Many Churches also do a special service of remembrance and thanksgiving on Good Friday). Don't give too much detail at this point. Rather, this information could be contained in a little booklet that also had a few prayers, some open ended reflections, and a few useful numbers (I have seen this kind of booklet at Jonathan Anderson's Church in Kempton Park).
  

Well, these are just a few scattered thoughts and reflections.

Rich blessing to all!

Comments

[Herman G]

My condolences to you and your family at the passing away of your Dad. Your writing reminds one of the coldness of the trial of Jesus, the crucifixion and then the care that took place afterwards. A bit like life when we sometimes do things mechanically and then at other times when we are drawn to feelings of compassion and care. O’ that we may have feelings and friends that care.