How do you cope with your guilt? I'll be honest... I struggle.

Guilt is a powerful emotion. It is powerful enough to dissipate the energy of even the most energetic of persons. I am never quite sure how to deal with guilt - I guess that some of it relates to the context of the guilt (i.e., whether it is something about which I should rightly feel guilty, or whether it is guilt that is wrongly imposed upon me by another person, situation, or group).

But, let me give you three examples of my struggle with guilt...

Yesterday I was driving home from a meeting in Benoni. Just as I was about to enter the highway I saw a lady selling mielies (corn) on the side of the road. I am not particularly partial to corn - but I don't think that is her problem. I noticed that her clothes were threadbare and that she was quite thin. She had a tiny little baby on her lap. My heart instantly went out to her and her child. Here's a woman trying to eek out an existence selling corn on the side of the road. I had R20 in my pocket (about US$3). The moment I saw her I felt a desire to stop and give her the R20. But, I didn't. How sad is that... Do you know why I didn't do it? Pride - my pride to tell you the truth. I felt that I may embarrass her by stopping and giving her the money and then driving off. In fact if the truth be told I felt that I may embarrass myself by stopping, giving her the money and then driving off. And so I drove past onto the onramp of the freeway. About halfway onto the freeway I wished I had stopped... Then it started. Guilt.

I still feel guilty, guilty enough to make me write about it and ask your advice. You see, R20 is not a lot of money to me. I can do without it. I am fairly certain she can not. I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I lay in bed last night and asked God to forgive me. But, I still feel guilty! What do I do?

The second example has to do with my rather difficult personality. I am forthright, decisive, goal orientated, and able to see things that others cannot. This helps me to lead. However, the weakness of my personality is that it can be so functional that relationships suffer. Today I had a few appointments to meet, correspondence to catch up on, my 3 services to prepare for Sunday, phone calls to make, reports to write, minutes to edit... You get the idea. One of our students - an outstanding student - came to see me at the office. The student needed time more than anything. This student did not need guidance, or help with an assignment, or a decision to be made about vocational choices. This student needed time. I was so pressed by 'appointments' and a ringing phone that I didn't give the time that was needed to this person. The moment the student left my office I knew that I had missed the mark, I had dropped the ball, I had not done what was needed in that moment. And then, it started.

I feel guilty. People are much more important than tasks. I know it, I know it! If I had the moment over I would do it differently. But, what do I do with my guilt?

A third example has to do with a well-meaning person whose generosity overwhelms me. This person started putting money aside in an account some years ago to help me and my family. They have blessed Megan and I again and again at some of the times of our greatest need. There were times in our ministry where we didn't have either money or food, and somehow this person would just know, and phone, and we would be cared for. Over the last two years the money this person has been putting aside has grown to a considerable sum of money - tens of thousands of rands. Today he phoned to ask me where he can deposit this sizable amount. I had to tell him the truth, which is that Megan, Courtney, Liam and I are so blessed that we currently have no pressing unmet needs. We eat well, we have enough clothes, we have a lovely home provided by the Church. Both Megan and I have salaries. We have covered Liam's medical debts. We are blessed - I asked if we could put the money towards helping some of my students with their fees. I could tell right away that my response was not what he wanted to hear. He had sacrificed because he loves God, and he had heard the message I so often preach that he must love those who love God, but I wasn't allowing him to do that...

I know, rationally, that I had make a tough choice - of course I cannot take the money, but I feel guilty nonetheless. What do I do about my guilt?

I'm not sure what one does with guilt.

I pray about mine.

I write about it.

I try to apologize, and make choices that will help me to grow where I can, avoid repeating avoidable mistakes, and grow robust enough to face those situations where a tough choice will have to be made that has no easy outcome.

Guilt is a powerful emotion. I struggle with it.

This useful article by Rich Vincent helped me some time ago. I just spent a few minutes browsing it again last night. There's some good stuff out there.

PS. I like the way Rich refers to himself not as the 'Web Master' of his site, but as the 'Web Servant'. Good one!

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