How to deal with difficult or negative people

I have had to do a lot of soul searching and reflection in recent months. It started when I decided that I would leave my role as the Dean of our Church's seminary to take up a serving role in the Global Day of Prayer / Lausanne / Transformation movement.

I knew then that I would face some challenges. Some would be 'internal' challenges (for example giving up a title, giving up influence, giving up power and control and simply learning how to be 'me' without having to be a title.) Let me tell you that God has shown me that I have needed to be stripped of my pride (if I hung onto my pride God showed me that I may end up my life with nothing in my hands except a business card! I would rather have LIFE and SIGNIFICANCE in my hands, having done God's thing!)

Then there would be the 'external' challenges. The organisation that I now serve is much more radically evangelical than I am, there are some elements of my theology and spirituality that differ from those that I serve and work with. There would be some severe criticisms and challenges from people that I love and trust (family, friends, and colleagues in the ministry). But, I was sure that God had called me to make this step, and to make this step in order to add value! Not to get a job, not to spend my life doing mediocre things, God had called me to spend my life giving it away to others - even when that would be difficult and costly.

Sadly, the cost of these challenges does weigh on one. I struggled quite a few times to make this transition, and still do so today. However, I want to serve God and serve God courageously! Well, as I do with most things I decided to tackle this problem by seeking some insight, input and help to deal with difficult people (people who have perhaps misread me, misunderstood me, or are perhaps angry at the choice I believe I was called to make)....

Well, that's my 'personal' stuff...

Perhaps you're dealing with much greater challenges and much more negativity than I am, so here's something that may help you. This is taken from here.

Negative people. They're like human black holes which suddenly come out of nowhere and just suck the life out of you. You try to stay positive and remain strong but their negativity ends up just completely draining you, you feel exhausted, and you may also start to feel depressed too.

So what can you do? One of the first things to do is to be aware of who the negative people are in your life. This may not be as easy as you first think.

Some very nice people are as Judy Orloff says in her book, "Positive Energy" are really energy vampires. Here's some of the signs she says to look for:

"- you experience a sense of being demeaned, constricted or attacked.
- you intuitively feel unsafe, tense or on guard.
- you sense prickly, off-putting vibes. You can't wait to get away from them.
- your energy starts to fizzle. You may feel beleaguered or ill."

She also refers to them by the following names which you might recognize: the sob sister, the blamer, the drama queen, the constant talker or joke teller, and the fixer-upper (requires endless help).

Also, pay attention to what the person talks about. Is it always about how bad things are? Do they just complain and never actually do anything about what's upsetting them?

Once you have a good idea on how to recognize them then you can actually work on protecting yourself from them. Here's 10 strategies on how to deal with negative people:

1. Where’s it coming from?
Do you understand why this person is so negative? Is it because they hate their job, feel frustrated, feel trapped in their life or do they lack in self esteem so the only way they can feel powerful is by hurting others? If you can understand where it’s coming from, it’s much easier to deal with. Some people seem to think that the only way they can get what they want is to be manipulative. Remember the saying, "the squeaky wheel gets the oil." They believe this and think that if they don't whine and complain that they won't be heard and that this is the only way to get what they want.

Remember that the negative behaviour is a reflection of them. It tells you what kind of person they are and what issues they may be dealing with. It's not a reflection of who you are.

2. Just smile and remain completely detached
Whenever the negative tirade starts just smile and don’t say anything. Remain completely detached from it and don’t get involved in it. Leave the room if you can. The negative person is simply seeking to get a reaction from you. That’s what they feed on. Don't let them catch you in their web of negativity because as soon as you do, that’s when they start draining your energy.

It's the emotions that these negative people stir up in you that you need to learn to distance yourself from. Try just observing the whole scene. Say to yourself, "what a shame this person is so unhappy. Maybe some of my positive energy will rub off on her. If not, her unhappiness has nothing to do with me." This isn't always an easy thing to do but definitely a powerful technique. In order to get the full benefit from it, you need to make sure that you're aware of what's going on around you. It's easy to slip into auto-pilot and not realize until later how drained you feel. You need to detach yourself from the event while it's happening and just observe it.

This works well for family members who you don’t really have a choice as to whether they’re in your life or not.

3. Say, “Now tell me something positive.”
Right after they've finished telling you some tragic story, say to them, "now tell me a positive story". Some people have no idea how negative they’ve become. That's what they're surrounded by day in and day out so it’s just become a way of life for them. By being given the reminder, they may actually realize that being negative isn't the kind of person they want to be and may start to work on becoming more positive. Or, they may decide it's not worth telling you their horror stories because you'll ask them to think of something positive. Sob sisters (always whining, feel the world is against them, feel they're victims) will probably not find you very attractive anymore.

4. Imagine a bright white light surrounding you
Yes, this sounds silly but if you can do it, it’s amazing how much of a difference it can make. You'll feel that their negativity can’t touch you because you now have a force field protecting you.

I used to have a really nasty manager who would constantly try to make me feel like an idiot. When I had a shower in the morning, I would imagine that I was being covered with a protective oil so that any of her comments would just slide right off me. I also put up a post it note on my computer that said, “Oiyli” which stood for “Only if you let it”. It reminded me that her comments could only hurt me if I let them. If was my choice as to how to react to her.

5. Is it a sign?
I find that the “universe” uses negative people as the way to get me to move on whenever I’m getting comfortable in a situation that isn’t challenging me anymore. It’s like a prod that I should be focusing more on following my dream rather than just getting caught up in a nice, comfortable routine that isn’t getting me anywhere. If I didn’t have these people, then I would probably just stay. So, sometimes I'm really grateful to these people because they're giving me the "kick" that I need.

6. What does it say about you?
Negative people want to get a reaction out of you. And the only way they can is if they hit on one your "buttons" or something that causes intense feelings for you. For example they may bring out past feelings of guilt or anger or make you feel like you're being rejected or that you're not good enough.

So, if there's one particular person who drains you the most, ask yourself why is it affecting you so much? Sometimes, you can learn a lot about yourself by analysing what feelings it's bringing up within you. Once you figure it out and deal with it then you'll find that the energy draining person simply has no power over you anymore.

7. Trying to feel needed
Is listening to the complaints of the negative person your way of feeling valued? Does it make you feel needed? If it does, then you need to start valuing yourself more and you’ll find that this just won't happen anymore. Be selective about who and how you help others. Just listening to negative tales over and over helps neither of you.

A good test to see if this is happening is to notice how you feel after "helping" someone. If you feel drained or tired or annoyed or frustrated then all you've done is given over your own energy to them. This isn't beneficial to you at all, and rarely does it help them in the long run.

8. Try saying, “I love you, thank you, I’m sorry” over and over
This is kind of an "off the wall" kind of theory but it’s worth a try. If you want to read an article about how a doctor healed an entire mental institution simply by saying these words then read this story: Dr. Len. You can also listen to a couple of radio interviews with him on News for the Soul.

9. It’s not your fault
You may be feeling that you have to solve the problems of the energy drainer. You’re not responsible for the person’s life nor their negativity. You don’t have to feel guilty for them being unhappy. Let go of trying to fix or help them. That's not what they want anyway. They want your energy and so you have to be strong and not give in to them.

A suggestion by Judy Orloff for dealing with draining co-workers is to keep mentioning to the person that you have work to do and you can only listen to them for a minute. If after a few minutes, the person is still going on about the same thing then either change the conversation or politely but firmly end the conversation.

It's important to be able to let go of the idea that you owe everyone a solution. With some people you just have to let them go. They have to take responsibility for their own lives and they won't if someone is always there to fix everything for them. So, Let Go! It sounds mean but it definitely doesn't help them if they end up taking you down with them. In that case, then neither one of you is benefitting.

10. Be enthusiastic and focus on your own energy
If you can be higher energy than they are then your energy will most likely start to rub off on those around you instead of the other way around. Also, the less you pay attention to them, the less they'll affect you.

In Summary
"Energy Vampires" are going to appear in and out of your life. The trick is to learn how to deal with them before they appear. If you don't then they truly will suck all your energy right out of you without you even realizing it. They will also be having a huge effect on your life and whether you're able to achieve your dreams and goals. Learn how to deal with negative people so that as Judy Orloff says you can, "be confident that no one can drain you if you don't cooperate". Your life will just instantly improve.

Xenophobia round table discussion with Bishop Paul Verryn in Cape Town

Dear friends,

Pete http://www.rockingthegrass.blogspot.com sent me some information about this critical panel discussion in Cape Town. It would be wonderful to see as many people as possible there.

Xenophobia – Why now, where to next?

Panellists

Bishop Paul Verryn (Methodist Church of Southern Africa)
Dr. Adekeye Adebajo (Centre for Conflict Resolution)
Mr. Patrick Chauke (Chairperson, Portfolio Committee on Home Affairs)

DATE: Tuesday 3 June 2008 VENUE: University of Cape Town, Humanities LT 1 (Graduate Building next to Leslie Social Sciences). For map see: http://www.uct.ac.za/images/uct.ac.za/contact/uctroadmap.jpg
TIME: 17:30 for 18:00 – 19:30
RSVP: Friday 30 May to njaynes@ijr.org.za

Leaving Knysna (Plett), back to Cape Town for 'Half Time' conference

This morning we flew out from the quant little airport in Plett. We had a very rewarding time in Knysna with many opportunities to engage with local business and ministry partners.

We are now on our way back to Cape Town. I have a busy weekend ahead of me. Lloyd Reeb and Tiger Dawson from the 'Half Time' organisation (together with some other American friends) arrive in Cape Town this evening. We shall be having a startegic set of workshops with some of our region's top executives and political leaders to share the challenge of 're-tooling' their lives from being success driven to seeking to be significant within their sphere of influence for Christ and Christ's Kingdom - from success to significance. On Saturday afternoon we are meeting a few hundred Church leaders at the Soter Church in Parrow (2-6pm) to discuss and work out how we can form strategic partnerships to address some of the most pressing and significant needs in our community.

If you're in the Cape Town area and would like attend the Pastors meeting at Soter church please feel free to come along.

Somewhere between Cape Town and Plettenberg bay

One of the incredible perks of my ministry is that I often get to participate in corporate functions (such as meetings, strategy sessions, and site visits). This morning I am on a flight in the company jet to Plettenber bay. From there we'll be going to Knysna for Southern Cape site visits and a company function this evening.

Being a minister in the marketplace is quite different from operating in and around a Church building. It presents one with many wonderful opportunities to offer counsel, influence important social and economic decisions, offer pastoral care, and model servant leadership.

My constant prayer is that I would always see this work as ministry - doing everything for the sake of Christ and Christ's Kingdom of mercy, justive, peace and love. I am humbled by this incredible opportunity.

Have a blessed day wherever you are! Never forget you're in the mission field!

Seth Mokitimi Methodist seminary web page goes live!

The Seth Mokitimi Methodist Seminary web page has gone live this evening. Please have a look through and let me know what you think. Here is an excerpt from the website.

http://www.smms.org.za

What's in a name? Seth Mokitimi Methodist seminary.

Commenting on the news that the new Methodist Seminary in Pietermaritzburg would be named in honour of the late Rev. Seth Molefi Mokitimi, Mokitimi’s biographer, Dr Simon Gqubule, says that it is a "fitting name for the Seminary" because Mr. Mokitimi spent most of his ministry in educational institutions.

Quite apart from being the first black President of Conference, Mr. Mokitimi's distinguished role in education culminated when he chaired the negotiations that established the Federal Theological Seminary of Southern Africa (Fedsem), where generations of ministers were trained.

Dr. Gqubule says that the link began when the Rev. Arthur Wellington, Governor of Healdtown Missionary Institution, was elected President of Conference in 1937. Wellington needed somebody trustworthy on campus while he travelled and appointed Mokitimi, one of his earlier students, to be Chaplain and Housemaster of the school attended, among others, by the young Simon Gqubule.

Mr. Mokitimi handled this task with distinction, gaining the affectionate nickname, 'The Brown Bomber' from the students. In 1951 he was the first African appointed as Governor of Osborn Mission, near Mount Frere, where he raised the Secondary School to High School status and built the 500-student Noniko hostel. In 1961 he succeeded the Rev. Price R. Mbete as Governor of Bensonvale Missionary Institution, near Sterkspruit, in the Eastern Cape.

Mr. Mokitimi was also Secretary of the Board of Examiners for many years, responsible for the studies of African Methodist probationer ministers throughout the Connexion (in those segregated days, sadly, there were still two Secretaries, one for African, and one for European, Coloured and Indian probationers).

Dr. Gqubule reminds us that this remarkable person was also a prolific hymn-writer, contributing 31 hymns to the Sesotho Hymn Book.

Meet The Brown Bomber “ An Account of the Life and Work of the Rev. Seth Molefi Mokitimi is the title of Dr. Gqubule's biography, published by Lovedale Press.

To Do - tattoo

Not such a good idea... What do you think?

To-Do Tattoos are skin-safe to-do-list temporary tatts that come with a skin-safe felt-tip marker. I just draw on myself with a sharpie. Link

I like life! Ghostly photos of 'dead' offices...

Busy, busy, busy... That's how I like it. When things get too quiet I tend to get a little edgy.

Photographer Phillip Toledano's shoots of bankrupt offices were meant to be archaeological exercises, but the signs of life interrupted make them as ghostly as the frozen statues of Pompeii. Link (via Neatorama)

Technorati tags: busy, dead offices, haunting photography, boingboing

Inspirational quote for today

'Never ask a person what computer he uses. If it's a Mac he'll tell you. If it's not, why embarrass him?'

- Tom Clancy (novelist)

Ha ha! I thought this was great! I need to read more Clancy!

Press statement on the Church's response to the xenophobic attacks in Southern Africa

This afternoon the Consultation of Christian Churches in Cape Town issued the following statement to the Press. A challenge was issued to all Christiana across South Africa to stop and pray for 5 minutes each day at 12.00 noon, asking God to help us in this critical time in our nation's history. Archbishop Thabo Makgoba read the folllowing statement:

"We, as a body of concerned Church leaders in Cape Town, and representing a considerable majority of Christian citizens in this city and nation:

Taking into account the very real social, economic and racial complexities in the city

Note the very real concerns around the scourges of HIV, AIDS, poverty, crime and corruption

Conscious of the very real tensions that exist in the townships of this nation and

Mindful of how the people of Africa took in, cared, for supported and encouraged us in the dark days of Apartheid

Remind Christian citizens in our nation that God's Word, the Bible, commands that we care for, demonstrate compassion for, and support the foreigners who live among us. We are appalled at the violence that has wracked our city in the past days, and are shamed by the despicable treatment of men, women and children, and the theft and vandalising of property, by some of our citizens.

According to the dictionary an alien is: a resident born in or belonging to another country who has not acquired citizenship by naturalization, as distinguished from a citizen; a person who has been estranged or excluded. It also means an unnaturalized foreign resident of a country; a person from another and very different family, people, or place; a person who is not included in a group; an outsider.

We are aware that many of our people, once unwelcome in this the land of their birth, were treated kindly and generously by the peoples of the nations of Africa; at one time or another, many of our people lived in counties where they fitted the above descriptions of aliens, strangers and foreigners. Yet, despite this, they were treated well.

As Christians, we embrace the Old Testament teaching about strangers and aliens who are described as (1.) Those who were strangers generally, and who owned no landed property. (2.) Foreigners dwelling in another country without being naturalized. So the Holy Scripture says in Ps. 39:12: 12 "Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were.

Both of these classes of alien were to enjoy the same rights as other citizens, and God's people were commanded to show them kindness "as to their own". In Lev. 19:33, 34 we read "'When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. 34 The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the LORD your God. And in Deut. 10:19 we read 19 …And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt.

Turning to the New Testament, we remember that in sending his Son to live among us, God entered an alien environment. The brutal treatment that Jesus received at our hands should act as a permanent reminder to those of us who belong to Christ not to mistreat or oppress those who are foreigners among us.

We must also remember that we were once aliens and foreigners from God's Kingdom. In Eph. 2:12 we are urged to "remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world." Yet, God did not reject us, but reached out to us to include us in his covenant of grace.

Accordingly, we call on citizens of our nation:

To remember the kindness and generosity show to us by the people of Africa during the dark days of the struggle

To respond in kind by helping those who have been displaced by the current violence with shelter, blankets, food and any other assistance that may be required

To give thanks for the hospitality shown to our people in those days and for the kindness which has been shown in certain quarters to those seeking help and refuge in these difficult times

To respect the rights and dignity of all people to who are resident in this country, irrespective of colour, creed, language or nationality, to enjoy safety and security

To refrain from immediately from attacking, persecuting or damaging the property of any person considered an alien, foreigner or stranger

To seek ways in which, together with those from other countries, the social, political, economic and racial challenges of our country might be addressed

We also recognize that the tragic situation unfolding in our nation serves as a timely and ominous warning of the growing frustration of the poor & marginalized with the pace of delivery.

We further call on President Thabo Mbeki and our government to rapidly increase the pace of delivery and services in South Africa and to significantly increase efforts to bring justice, stability and peace to the suffering people of Zimbabwe.

We offer ourselves to serve and help mediate between estranged communities or groupings, and call upon all to refrain from either initiating or reacting to, violence against any other person.

On behalf of the CCC Church Leaders' Action Group."

Response to the Xenophobia driven violence - Calvary Methodist Church

Here is a practical way in which we can show our Christian love and witness in this difficult time in our country's young democracy. I can personally vouch for the incredible work that Alan Storey and the Calvary Methodist Church do! I would wholeheartedly support their work! Please do spread this appeal as widely as you can via email or your blog.

Rich blessing from Cape Town!

Dion

Hi everyone,

You are surely aware of the Xenophobic attacks that have spread through many of our communities in Gauteng over the last 10 days. One area close to Calvary is Ivory Park – Kanana section, where violence has left 5 people killed and many more beaten, traumatised and hundreds fleeing from their homes – many of which have been burnt to the ground.

We have also had volunteers of one of the soup kitchens connected to Calvary threatened to stop feeding foreigners - - - we continue to do so but people are very angry and truth be told most of the foreigners are chased away before we even arrive to feed.

We have direct contact with around 400 displaced people staying at the Rabi Ridge police station. With others we are helping to provide food and clothing and blankets etc. If you are willing and able to assist with a donation – please bring whatever you have to Calvary in Midrand or make a financial donation straight into our account using the reference REFUGEE. I guarantee you that every cent will go to where it is supposed to go and all donations will be accounted for.

If you have clothing to donate please bring it to the church where it is sorted into types and sizes and on the basis of interviews handed out to the relevant people in need. If you have time to help sort clothing at the Church – this would also be appreciated. Other necessities needed:

Toilet Paper
Soap
Baby food / formula
Blankets
Fresh Vegetables for soups
Mielie meal

The situation on the ground is frighteningly desperate.

Bank: Standard Bank
Account Name: Calvary Methodist Church
Account Number: 202 539 962
Branch: Midrand (00 11 55) Reference: REFUGEE

If you have any questions don’t hesitate to phone me. 083 654 8568.

Thank you,
Alan


Alan Storey
Calvary Methodist Church – Midrand
011 805 3375
083 654 8568

A perfect afternoon in Paradise!

I arrived back from Israel on Thursday and it has been quite hectic at the office since then. Today, however, has been a lovely family day. This morning we woke up bright and early (as all parents of infants do!) and went off to Church at Coronation ave Methodist Church in Somerset West. Philip Buckland was preaching and he gave a superb message on the theme of Aldersgate (traditionaly 24 May is celebrated as the day on which John Wesley's heart was 'strangely warmed' by God's Spirit. This was a seminal event that led to the start of one of the world's most significant revivals! I am encouraged that Wesley was often missunderstood in those years - I have experienced the same in recent months since leaving the respectibility of my teaching post to join a worldwide prayer movement. Well, all that I can pray (in humility and grace) is that in some small way I would have the joy of facilitating revival through my ministry.

This afternoon, however, we're doing something that we haven't done in ages - we're going for a walk as a family! Partly we have not done so because I have not been able to walk since my accident! Gladly my cast is off and I can walk further each day without my crutches. Partly we have not been for walks such as these since we have not had anywhere safe or suitable to go for walks. Our new home is perfect for a bit of 'otium sanctum' [Latin for 'Holy leisure].

Praise God for days like these!

Oh, and the documentary 'One and undivided - the story of Paul Verryn' was screened, but not at 9h30, it was aired on SABC 2 at 11h30. It is an incredible story. I have it on DVD if anyone did not see it! I am so encouraged!

A documentary on Bishop Paul Verryn and the Methodist Church of SA's role in working against Apartheid

Tomorrow morning (18 May 2008) at 9h30 am (CAT) a documentary entitled 'One and undivided' will be screened on SABC 2.

The documentary is part of a series called 'In the name of God'. It looks at various attempts to work against the evils of injustice by people of various faiths. Last year I was asked to be a part of this particular documentary on my friend Paul Verryn. Paul is a remarkable man, single minded, brave, eccentric, and of course also with a few 'rough edges'... All great people have a few of those (in my experience at least).

I would encourage you to tune in and watch the documentary. I haven't seen the final product myself, so it will be exciting to see how it comes together. If there is anyone out there who is able to tape it and send me a copy I would be eternally grateful! Please just drop me an email to arrange it.

Rich blessing!

Dion